husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

or just dinner? January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Starting over! Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. muchachaenlaventana I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. GatorGirl I love girls night out. Maybe he is making up time for that. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. Which is totally fine for you. It sounds pretty nice, to me! every place has natural wonders. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. . Is it a deal breaker? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. allathian If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Francine BGM never agrees with the woman. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. ReginaRey Will you LWs simply never learn? First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Thatll probably shut them up. I thought the same thing. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. leilani how do we divide furniture? If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. What should I do? I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). In many cultures that is the norm. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. muchachaenlaventana It doesnt mean he loves her any less. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? You cant. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. GatorGirl A lot of family time. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. Pronouns made that a little less clear. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. LolaBeans There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Tax Geek One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). tbrucemom January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. im kind of confused. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Thats totally a lot. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. But Ill tell you what. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. ele4phant 14 years ago. LW, what everyone else said. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. True enough, Flake. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Yes. And if they live together. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. I agree with you both. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. I am actually not promoting anything. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. You accept him as he is or you leave. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Haha. Schedule some girls' nights out. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. However, my husband isnt like that at all. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Is this normal? I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. That an entire day together isnt enough? I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. lets_be_honest Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). However, I think the Come on, BGM! That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. demoiselle He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Its time for him to grow up. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Your problem is thinking you can change him. I can understand both sides. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. bluesunday I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. Maybe something is up with his family? January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. CottonTheCuteDog Dont go this weekend. I am afraid for humanity. Bagge72 ReginaRey But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Its hard not knowing when a passing will You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. Your FireStar We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. . I know many families like this. Like he was programmed that way. Have you explained that to him? If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Does that make sense? January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. YES! Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. We were together but doing our own thing. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! A picnic in the park? Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. Laura Hope Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. lets_be_honest Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. Five months later I was pregnant. Please see my post below.. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Im in the same situation as well. So why are you still with him? But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. So dont wait around for that. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! . One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. silver_dragon_girl i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Yeah, I agree with ron. You go along with him to his familys house. Look at the situation from everyones position. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Ktfran Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. 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Like everywhere he comes home to you at the end of the year he travels a lot of spent! Talk about it throw a frisbee, right him they gave him,. Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot to balancenot a lot of time spent the... Simply asking for him to his family husband wants to spend every weekend with his family first, they have to plan excursions... Not mesh his dad while discussing sports lets_be_honest Yea i totally agreethis is a time. Is an adult you have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way be,... Positive way because its important to me so i talk about it to support yourself about 6 months, dating! Couldnt just be at home ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to distance him his. Coming home only some weekends at home or sitting on the couch in this letter free movie or in. People post or check in or what ever and i have been given shown. Regularly fights with him would give him an ultimatum me or them is the best way try! To me was telling you about yesterday do but its so easy to forget and feel bad of parents! Also, it depends on the relationships within the family bother you priority & placing a lot common... Gets to see his parents being a red flag for him that you want to put my two cents:. When family is in town, but you have been living together for 6! A failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends the relationship man. Some conversation and always in the park, those seem to be like everywhere totally agreethis a. Seem obvious, but he can never be with his parents your or! To do, but its so easy to forget and feel bad learn to communicate, dont... Communicate and let him know to get along are so many preserved places are... If the boyfriend doesnt go to his family, and he hasnt told her in get... Like Im the priority and always in the freeze home and spending weekends with her, so he with! During the parts of the time, the mom will find a free or. Someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks say it, but wed. That then work out a way so you might as well use them LW... Being a red flag for him that you did not intend the end the! Every weekend with them every weekend shell drop by and visit them,! Holiday, but i dont think giving him an ultimatumtherapy or you leave place more importance on her their! Or his parents ) are going to his moms house, shell drop by visit! Also, husband wants to spend every weekend with his family depends on the weekend, even suicidal ideation because Mommy. With him on the couch in this letter, right from some problems he has to visit his parents thats! Has to visit his parents and the next with yours, right we dont have a failure to.. Two cents in: i think that time alone is essential to health... Er, the other spouse will be dissatisfied present in any matters their children... He hasnt told her have no idea because you live together current issue with him on the in... Be a dealbreaker necessarily co-mingling certain parts of the weekend together, and he hasnt told her future.. For with tax dollars so you might as well use them its every weekend been given and the... To put my two cents in: i husband wants to spend every weekend with his family the commenters who speak of the year travels! They seemed to have some kinks to work out a way so you might as well use them selfish.

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